Supporting a grieving friend

What helps. What doesn't. What to say when you don't know what to say.

If someone you love has lost a pregnancy or baby and you are reading this trying to figure out what to do, you are already doing the most important thing. This guide was written by parents in our community: what landed, what didn't, and what they wish more people had known.

Say the baby's name

Parents almost never tell us someone mentioned their baby too often. They tell us the opposite: that after the second week, everyone stopped, and the silence was worse than the loss being brought up.

You will not remind them of something they had forgotten. It is the only thing they are thinking about.

THINGS THAT LANDED

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say." Honest, and enough.
Bringing food and leaving it at the door without expecting a conversation.
Texting on the due date, months later, with no question attached.
Saying the baby's name out loud, in an ordinary voice.
Offering one specific thing rather than "let me know if you need anything."

THINGS THAT DIDN'T

Most of these come from people who meant well.

None of this is a reason to stay away. Parents in our circles are far more forgiving of a clumsy sentence than of an absence.

"At least you know you can get pregnant."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"You're young, there's still time."
Any sentence that begins "at least."
Disappearing because you were afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Asking, weeks later, whether they are feeling better yet.

Guides for specific relationships

Written by people in each role, not by clinicians.

If you are the partner

You lost this baby too, and people will ask you how she is doing without ever asking how you are. Your grief is not secondary, and it often arrives on a different schedule.

If you are a grandparent

You are grieving a grandchild and watching your own child in pain at the same time. Both are real, and the second one is the harder to say out loud.

If you are a friend

Consistency beats eloquence. A short message every week for two months does more than one perfect message on the first day.

If you are an employer

Ask what they want colleagues to be told, and then handle telling them. Be specific about leave rather than making them ask, and expect the return to be uneven.

If you want to do something practical

You can have a comfort box sent to them. It arrives with a hand-written note from a parent who has been through this, and it does not mention you unless you want it to.

See what we offer